The Jester’s Feast (A Sermon in Seven Courses)
The jester staggers into court, juggling scales of justice greased with lard, a goblet of “trickle-down” wine sloshing in his belt. He bows, splattering the king’s ledger with vintage irony:
“Hark! The nations convene for their grand banquet of crumbs—a culinary marvel where the table is endless, yet every chair’s a throne! ‘Compete!’ cry the heralds, ‘for the prize is more competition!’ Behold the Olympics of Acquisition: sprinters in pinstripes hurdling over unions, swimmers diving into offshore accounts, archers skewering pensions for golden bullseyes. And lo, the English delegation arrives, clutching Magna Carta 2.0—terms include ‘civilized looting’ and a side of jellied eels to silence the indigent. ‘Tis a potluck, sire! Each empire brings a dish: America fries freedom, China steams dissent, and Europe serves austerity au vin—paired with a ’Brexit’ cheese platter, so pungent it voids all treaties!”
(The jester flips the king’s hourglass, sprinkling its sand into a tax loophole.)
“But fear not! The Gospel of More™ sustains us: ‘Blessed are the shareholders, for they shall inherit the leveraged earth.’² Why weep for the commons when you can privatize manna? The peasants murmur of ‘equity,’ but we’ve rebranded it as ’limited-time equity’—like a peasant’s hope, it expires at midnight. Remember, Majesty, gluttony is no sin if you call it ’GDP’. When the mob starves, simply declare their ribs ‘austerity chic’ and auction their hunger as NFTs! A masterstroke!”
(He plucks a rotten apple from the “prosperity” basket, bites it, and spits out a bailout check.)
“Is this humor? Nay—’tis but a fractured parable. The punchline? We’re all the courtiers now, clapping as the ceiling fresco of ‘endless growth’ peels to reveal moldy scripture: ‘The last shall be first’—but only in the debtor’s queue. Rejoice! The final course is collapse flambé, served with a drizzle of delusion. Bon appétit!”
Footnote (Scrawled on a Stock Ticker):
² Cf. 1 Samuel 8:11-18, “He will take your fields, your vineyards, your LinkedIn endorsements…” Modernized for your portfolio’s convenience. Divine ROI not guaranteed.
Is this funny? Only as much as a bailout is “free market.” Laughter, like capital, now flees offshore.
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