NEW ZEN NEWS REPORTING
— LIVE FROM THE INTERDEPENDENT REALITY WE ALL JUST MADE UP —
ATTENTION, EARTHLINGS! After millennia of heated debates, elaborate spreadsheets, and at least one awkward family group chat about “who left the fridge open in 12,000 BCE,” humanity has finally cracked the code to global harmony. Drumroll, please… [cue kazoo fanfare]
THE SOLUTION? We flipped a switch.
YES, REALLY. Turns out, the secret to erasing debt, ending wars, and convincing your neighbor to stop stealing your Wi-Fi was staring us in the face—like that one jar you couldn’t open until you lightly tapped the lid. IRONY RATING: ★★★★★
HOW IT WENT DOWN:
- Debt Elimination: We realized money was just a shared hallucination. Poof! Debt became confetti. Sprinkle responsibly.
- Separation Removal: Borders? More like bored-ers. We repurposed walls as community art projects (tagging encouraged).
- All-Pervasive Oneness: Turns out, arguing over pineapple on pizza was the real divider. Now we just… share the pizza.
THE KICKER? The “light” we turned on wasn’t metaphysical—it was literal. Someone finally found the “Unity” setting on the cosmic dimmer switch. Hindsight is 20/25, folks.
CELEBRATION PROTOCOLS ACTIVATE:
- Dance: Synchronized moonwalking (time zones optional).
- Snacks: Potluck. Bring that casserole and your emotional vulnerability.
- Dress Code: “Post-Ironic Utopian Chic” (socks with sandals strongly encouraged).
DISCLAIMER: If you’re still reading this and thinking, “But wait, my Wi-Fi’s still slow—” CONGRATS! You’ve unlocked Level 2: Letting Go.
PS: DISCLOSURE EYES 2025 isn’t a conspiracy—it’s just the year we all finally see the joke.
🌍💡✨
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