A Sesame Street skit, written for DISCLOSURE eyes fanfiction
(no copyright intended)
Setting: The set is dressed to look like the steps of a small, friendly church. A banner reads “SESAME STREET FELLOWSHIP POTLUCK.” A picnic table is laden with dishes.
Characters:
· KERMIT THE FROG: Our earnest, slightly bewildered lead.
· GROVER: The enthusiastic and slightly chaotic helper.
· ELMO: The innocent observer.
· OSCAR THE GROUCH: (Popping out of a nearby trash can) The cynical chorus.
· BERT & ERNIE: The theological debate team.
(SCENE START)
KERMIT: (Standing by the picnic table, holding a paper plate, looking around anxiously.) Well, hello, folks. It’s a beautiful day here on Sesame Street after a lovely, uplifting service. And now, it’s time for the potluck! Everybody brought something wonderful. Telly brought a green bean casserole, Bob brought a jello mold… but I can’t seem to find Miss Piggy.
GROVER: (Zooms in, wearing a tiny usher’s suit.) Hello, Mr. Frog! Are you looking for the ribs? Because, oh boy, are they a hit! Everybody loves the ribs! They are simply flying off the platter! It is a rib-tastic phenomenon!
KERMIT: (Peering at a near-empty platter of glistening, saucy ribs.) They do look delicious. But has anyone seen Piggy? It’s not like her to miss a social gathering, especially one centered around food. Oh, my goodness. I’m getting a little worried.
OSCAR: (Lid of his trash can flings open.) WORRIED? You should be ECSTATIC! It’s quiet! It’s peaceful! For the first time since I’ve been stuck in this can, I can’t hear her yelling “HI-YA!” at a pigeon! Ahhh, bliss.
KERMIT: Oscar, that’s not nice.
ELMO: (Tugs on Kermit’s leg.) Elmo thinks Miss Piggy would have loved these ribs, Mr. Frog. They are so tender. Elmo wonders what kind of pork it is.
BERT: (Walking by with Ernie, holding a small Bible.) Well, Ernie, it reminds me of the passage. A profound allegory of companionship. “And he took the one that was given to him. And he said, ‘This is bone of my bones, flesh of my my flesh.'”
ERNIE: (Nodding sagely, then sniffing the air.) That’s a heavy thought, Bert. (Sniffs again.) And it smells a lot like barbecue sauce!
KERMIT: (His eyes get wide. He stares at the rib in his hand. The cheerful music screeches to a halt.) Bone of my bones… flesh of my flesh… He was wounded for our transgressions… bruised for our iniquities… (He turns to the congregation, his voice trembling.) What did she do to make you do this?!
GROVER: (Leans in, whispering.) The secret is a little brown sugar in the dry rub, sir. It is to die for.
KERMIT: (Drops the rib. It lands on the plate with a sickening thud.) This… this isn’t a fun, educational segment about sharing! This is a horror story! It’s not even a children’s show anymore!
A DRAMATIC CORD STRIKES ⚡ THE LIGHTS FLICKER
ELMO: Elmo is confused. Is this a new game?
OSCAR: (Cackling maniacally from his can.) FINALLY! Some decent entertainment! This is funnier than the time Slimey went to college! It’s funny ’cause it’s UPSANE!
KERMIT: (Backing away from the table, pointing a shaking finger at the ribs.) Somebody stop being so serious! Wait, no! Somebody be SERIOUS! Where is Piggy?!
(Suddenly, a familiar, furious voice echoes from off-stage.)
MISS PIGGY: (O.S.) KERMIT THE FROG!
(Kermit freezes in terror. Miss Piggy storms onto the set, wearing a fabulous sun hat and an expression of pure rage. She is holding a empty casserole dish.)
MISS PIGGY: You ate them all, didn’t you? You didn’t save a single one for MOI!
KERMIT: P-P-Piggy! You’re alive! You’re not… the potluck?
MISS PIGGY: Of course, I’m not the potluck! What a ribald suggestion! I was next door at the beauty parlor, getting my hooves done! I spent all morning slow-cooking my famous “Piggy’s Perfect Pork-less Ribs” from seitan and brought them over, and you’ve gobbled them all up without a thought for your dear, sweet Piggy!
KERMIT: (Sinks to his knees in relief.) Pork-less ribs…?
BERT: (To Ernie) See? A metaphor! It wasn’t literally her flesh. It was a culinary representation of her devotion!
ERNIE: But Bert, it sure was tasty!
GROVER: (Holds up the empty platter.) And that, boys and girls, is the letter ‘P’ for ‘Potluck Panic’! And also for ‘Pork-less’!
KERMIT: (To the camera, sweating.) Today’s episode was brought to you by… Trauma.
MISS PIGGY: (Grabs Kermit by the collar.) And it’s going to be brought to you by an apology, followed by you taking moi out for a very, very expensive steak dinner! HI-YA!
(She karate-chops the picnic table, which splinters. Kermit squeaks in terror.)
OSCAR: (Slams his lid shut with a final, joyful clang.) Now that’s a Sunday service!
(SCENE END)
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